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Keeping the Peace This Holiday Season: Tools for Handling Tense Moments With Care

Holidays may be joyous, but they often come with awkward moments, family dysfunction and difficult conversations. As political tensions increase in our nation, it’s no wonder they often impact our gatherings with family and friends, too. With the right tools and techniques, however, you can avoid a fiasco at your next holiday dinner.

Set the Table for Success

It may be tempting to set some ground rules before the event — say, no politics or religion — but this could backfire.

“Sometimes when we set rules on what can and cannot be talked about, people actually think about these topics or focus on these topics more… almost like an elephant in the room,” says Dr. Casey Wolfington, vice president of Vail Health Behavioral Health.

Instead of focusing on what’s off-limits for discussion, consider using conversation starter cards to help guide conversations to positive topics. Place the cards around the room and on the dinner table for easy access as a fun way to help keep conversations light and as a tool guests can use to redirect conversations when necessary.

Understand What Boundaries Really Mean

“I think people often get confused about what boundaries are,” says Amy Vogt, Vail Health Behavioral Health intern. “Boundaries aren’t about the other person … they’re about your response. You can’t control someone else’s behavior.” Instead of telling someone how they should talk to or treat you, a boundary should define what you will do in response to their behavior.

“It’s not: ‘You can’t talk to me like that’ or ‘Stop yelling,’” Vogt explains. “That’s a request or a demand. If it’s a boundary, it has to come along with an action from you. You can’t control whether or not people talk about politics, but what you can control is what you do if they choose to do that.”

It may help to run through some possible scenarios before the event and think of how you would respond should a conversation get uncomfortable, such as: “If the conversation turns disrespectful, I will leave the table.”

Keep Calm and Stay Grounded

It’s important to keep yourself calm and regulated during stressful situations to avoid conflict and heated debates. What can you do to manage your emotions and regulate your nervous system?

“Calm bodies make calmer conversations,” Vogt says. “When our bodies go into fight or flight, it makes it really hard to connect.”

Take a few minutes to focus on your breath. Deep breathing is one of the most effective ways to regulate your nervous system. Shrug your shoulders to help dissipate physical tension. Go outside. Take a walk.

Listen to Understand, Not to Win

When talking with someone, focus on listening to what the person is saying, rather than preparing what you want to say next. Listen to understand, ask questions, be curious. Try asking: “What I’m hearing you say is X. Is that right?” or “Help me understand what you mean.”

“Curiosity is the great connector,” Vogt says.

Many of us shy away from conflict, but differing opinions needn’t lead to conflict if handled correctly. It can be an opportunity to understand one another better, as long as we stay calm in the process. Maybe you’re having a disagreement on politics — can you find shared values within the debate?

“Most of the time, people agree on the why, just not the how,” Vogt says.

If you feel uncomfortable or frustrated, say so.

“There is so much power to naming that,” she says. “You can say: ‘I am feeling so frustrated right now.’ Doing so in a gentle way can calm your nervous system while also letting the other person know how you’re feeling.”

Repair and Reconnect

“Ultimately, the goal isn’t perfect communication,” Vogt says. “That’s not the reality. It’s staying emotionally connected even when things get messy, especially with family and people you really care about. You’re not going for perfection, you’re going for connection.”

Should the conversation end on a bad note, remember to reach out afterwards.

“Repair is more important than being right,” she adds. “Just a simple text after a conflict that says ‘I care about you. I don’t like how we left things. Can we reset?’ Most people want to know that the relationship still matters.”

Navigating the Holiday Dinner Table

Before:

• Check your expectations. Not everyone will see eye-to-eye on politics, parenting or the “right” way to make stuffing.
• Know your triggers. If certain relatives or topics always raise your blood pressure, plan how you’ll respond or redirect.
• Ground yourself. Deep breaths, a quick walk or stepping away to help in the kitchen can all help.
• Have a signal. Create a code word or look with your partner or friend to step in or change the subject when needed.

In the moment:

• Use a calming phrase. Simple statements like “stay curious” or “it’s not my job to convince” can be helpful.
• Listen to understand. It’s not about “winning” the debate.
• Skip absolutes. Avoid saying things like “you always…” or “you never…” — they escalate fast.
• Shift the energy. Ask about travel plans, a favorite recipe or a family memory.

Afterwards:

• Repair if needed. A short text or hug later can smooth things over.
• Reflect. What worked this time, and what might you do differently next year?